The first part is done and I've edited it down as best as I could, so here you have it.
MY TESTIMONY
You may or may not be familiar with what this terminology implies. Obviously there are legal implications (testifying before a judge or court of witnesses). Although I accept an application of law for the purposes of this post, my intended meaning is of a much higher law than that which governs borders, property, ideas and citizens. My Christian testimony is my story of my faith...where it came from, where it's been and where it is now.
Now I will admit...as strong as my conviction is on my own faith, it still feels difficult to share it, with individuals or broadly (as in, blogging like this). It can change things...people act like you're a teacher in the room, and they apologize if they swear or tell a joke that involves Jesus, or pretend to be someone that THEY are not because they don't want to offend you. At the very least, it makes everyone involved uncomfortable. And hey, don't we all just want to be able to relax and be comfortable around each other? Well, yeah. So at the risk of alienating people who maybe didn't know who I was, even perhaps because I've never shown it very well, I'm just going to lay it out here once and for all.
I will admit this...I know that not everyone shares my view on these matters. I'm not going to be spending a lot of time trying to prove the facts about what I believe. I'm only writing this to tell you who I am, not to try to convince anybody of anything I believe. I know that there is plenty to discuss about the validity of my faith, but what cannot be debated is the impact of my own beliefs on my day-to-day life, my family and friends and my own satisfaction with life come good or bad. So this is my explanation of that impact, as best as I can make it out.
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
Some of you may hear my name spoken or see it written and not really think about it too much. There are lots of people with religious-sounding names, and not everyone necessarily believes the meaning of their name as it was intended by their parents. I have always gone by my full name "Christian," and never Chris (since Chris is short for "Christopher" and at best, "Christ" is short for "Christian." But I digress). I have sometimes, but not often, corrected people who chose to call me Chris, because it's not my name.
In my opinion, I have been fortunate to have a name such as Christian, because it has served me well as a constant reminder of who I am, or who I should be at least.
Since my name is shared with my faith, I guess it all really started at birth for me. But for better clarification....
HOW IT STARTED
My family on both parents' sides - going back to at least the generations I have known - identified themselves with the Christian faith. It's how they were raised, and it's how they intended to raise me. I am one of 5 children in my family (the middle one) and so that's a whole lot of work at any rate, let alone trying to do 'em all right by any standard. My parents had good help as we all grew up, because their parents were just down the street, across the street or in the same house (later on).
As a kid, I'd go to church, Sunday school, summer programs, and whatever else they dragged me to. I don't remember liking it all very much, and I really didn't like wearing that clip on tie and those uncomfortable shoes. But I learned things that I still keep with me to this day about not only my faith, but also just how you treat others and how you respect the world around you. Nonetheless, I found myself at around age 12 or 13 (surprise surprise) looking for inspiration elsewhere. I'm not sure if I was just bored with the churchin' thing, or if I was just looking to do anything but what was allowed by my parents and society. I think a big thing for me was that I started to become aware of all these freakin' hypocrites around me at the church. Everyone had nice things to say and do on Sunday morning, but some of these folks weren't exactly full of God the rest of the week. The last thing I wanted was to be tied in with any of them.
THE GREAT AMERICAN TEENAGE EXPERIENCE
Around this time, I started questioning my beliefs, my parents' beliefs...all those things I had been taught. Was it for real? Did it matter? Even still, did I care if it was all real or not, or did I really care if it mattered? As strange as it feels to acknowledge it now, there was even a period there where I decided that there was no God, no heaven or hell and really no point in being or doing anything that I didn't want to be or do. That mentality carried me some scary places over the next few years that I am not bold enough to divulge in this post, stuff that I've almost never discussed with anyone else. Suffice it to say that it took a long time to fully recover from it and it still sits on my brain to this day.
The general assessment of my life in those years...I had my own new agenda, my new priorities and a bunch of new ideas on how I was going to get along in life. Screw that old crap, time to do my own thing.
I wound up with friends and activities that were not in line with who I was raised to be, and could have gotten into more trouble if those friends hadn't found their own ways to disappear from the spotlight. Sometimes I wonder where all those people went. Every now and then I'm pleasantly surprised upon running into one of them again. Other times, not so pleasantly surprised.
A LITTLE BIT LATER
If I had to narrow it down to a single year, I'd have to make it 1996. I was finishing my freshman year in high school and going into my sophomore year. Because of the way the school district lines were drawn, I ended up in a largely brand-new pool of people when I got to high school. So for better or for worse, I had to make all new friends. I don't remember liking it a whole lot, and while I realize now that it was just the sort of shakeup I needed, at the time it only made me feel more and more like keeping my own way of doing things intact. I'd categorize myself at this time in my life as introverted, selfish and angry.
Everyone has their regrets, or things they would have changed about their lives. I'm not sure if I'd change it or not, but I can definitely call that period of my life regrettable. Even as I can recognize how brief a period it was, and how long ago it was, it still ripples through and all the things I went through then still impact me today.
It had an amazing impact on my music skills. I'd been playing guitar on my own for a few years by now, and all that time being alone listening to music, playing by ear and learning new stuff made me a much better musician, but the music was hardly anything positive - mostly metal, hardcore punk, and a handful of mainstream things in there as well. But at the very least, it did make me realize for the first time in my life that I had a skill that I could actually use...I mean, being a musician was something, even if it wasn't a doctor or lawyer, right? Previously I'd wondered if I'd ever manage any kind of life after I got out of high school....maybe the grocery store would make me a lifetime cashier? Yay!
Long story short, I ended up meeting lots of new people through music...in the school band programs and the garages and bedrooms and basements of Peachtree City. I started to make a list years ago of all the different people I've ever played guitar with. There were lots of folks, a good few who are probably reading this now. Now most of these people had little to no real long-term impact on my life. Some of them only brought me further away from that faith of my childhood, and others were effectively neutral...just people you hang out with, have fun, nothing major. Just regular old like-minded people I was friends with.
THE CHURCH, THE BAND AND THE END OF HIGH SCHOOL
I had started playing with Eric Henson (drummer later on for SCAP, but then, you already knew that). His parents had more or less forced him to play drums with their church's youth band, and we were gonna get together and play some stuff later on this one Sunday night in late 1996. Mostly we played Smashing Pumpkins songs, because that was Eric's strong point on the drums, but since I sucked at all those songs, we ended up playing Green Day, Nirvana, Metallica, Offspring and a couple of other songs that we both knew in those days.
At any rate, I had a driver's license and a car that my older brother Ryan and I shared, so I was gonna pick him up and drive well within the posted speed limit back to his house to play for the night. I got there a little bit early to Eric's church (Peachtree City United Methodist Church). When I came in, they were still practicing with the youth choir so I just sat down and listened for a bit while they finished up. Honestly, the music they were playing was crap...to me, at least. It was that adult-contempo stuff that gave Christian music such a bad rap in the 80's and 90's. I still wouldn't listen to it today, it's just so hokey and....well, just not my stuff. Regardless, there I was, watching Eric ham it up on the drums and play way louder than the director intended, while the choir sang this sappy-crappy song.
What happened next was one of those kinds of moments you see in a movie, where the plot turns to a point where there's no going back. It was so much of an unusual feeling that I still remember it today and still recall it being a major turnaround point in my life.
TO BE CONTINUED....
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1 comment:
finally! I can't wait to hear the rest!
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